Twos jokes

A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel. "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions. You must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate, and you must never hold on to any beef." The Angel then disappeared.

The man did as was told and became generous and kind. As he emerged from the betting office with all his money, he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person each and every time.

He, however, couldn't seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what.

When he died, the Angel came back for him.

"But I'm undeserving; I can't come with you," he said.

"Yes, you can," replied the Angel, "you gave all your stake (steak) away."

What did one cheese say to the other cheese?

"Hello, it's a nice day, do you have any plans on what you're going to do?"... The other cheese was taken back by his politeness and friendliness, they agreed to meet again, and were soon married and lived happily ever after. Let this tale of the two cheeses inspire you to be a better person.

Three men are shipwrecked on a jungle island and taken prisoner by the residing cannibals. They are all told to walk into the jungle and come back with one piece of fruit. They go in and the first man comes out with a peach. He is instructed to shove it in his ass, and if he laughs, he will be killed. He tries and dies.

The second man comes back with a grape and is instructed to do the same. When the two meet at the pearly gates, the first man says, "I had a peach. They're fuzzy. You had a grape. What's your excuse?"

"Well, I was doing fine until I saw Jimmy come out of the brush with a pineapple."

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"

A man walked into a toilet and saw a woman fingering a man and said, "I think you're doing it wrong." Turns out it was two transvestites.

Brian was shopping at a mall. He hopped onto an escalator. Next to him were two people having an argument. Eventually, one of them pulled out a pocket knife threatening to stab the other. Brian murmured "Well, that escalated quickly..."

A handicapped person and an orphan get into a fight. The orphan says, "At least I have two functional legs." The handicapped person says, "At least I have two functional parents."

Why did two dumb blondes put condoms on the cow's udders because they wanted the cow to practice safe sex?

Q: What do you call two nuns watching television?

A: Not very interesting.

I took the trash to the recycling bin, and two days later, my mom asked me, "Where's your sister?" I said, "In the recycling line to be turned into a bottle."

I threw a boomerang two years ago... I live in constant fear.

I'm writing a movie about 9/11. It's called "September 11th Two Thousand Fun."

Why does America suck at chess? Because they already lost their two towers.

What do you call a cat with two legs instead of four?

Dead and without use, that's what I feel like.

Why is the US so bad at Clash Royale? Because they already lost two towers.

How can you tell a blonde likes you? She ducks you two nights in a row.

How many squirrels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but how they got in there's the real mystery!

Why can't two Asians make a white baby? Because two "Wong's" don't make a white.

Why can’t you private text someone in a community?

Because a community has more than two people.

What did the skeleton say to Shrek?

"Jump on me. I can have two layers of skin too."