How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment
An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"
Imagine the Russians showing up late to the 1917 revolution with a Tsarbucks in hand. They were late, so I guess they weren't Russian. They were probably Stalin.
If you wanna hit somebody, hit an orphan, what are they gonna do... tell their parents?
Why did the cow not want to talk to the other cow? Because they had beef with each other.
Pep called; they want their unpadded bra back.
If there is a divorce in West Virginia, are they still brother and sister?
What do Communism, Socialism, Feminism, and Fascism all have in common?
They are all disabilities.
There is a ghost baseball game and one team loses because of one player so they start booing him!
How do Asian people name their children?
They throw a pan down the stairs.
What would your name be? Msg it to @chelsearosegraham.
I was in my guitar class and my strings were dead, and then I realized they were more dead than George Bush on November 30, 2018.
I tried a pun about water, but people "sea" right through it, and when people complain, they are usually just being a beach.
God better hope they got an elevator to Heaven.
Who are the fastest readers? Nine-eleven victims, because they fell through 720 stories in under 10 seconds.
Q: What does a microwave and an M1 Garand have in common?
A: They both go “ping” when they’re done.
Why are orphans bad at poker?
They don't know what a full house is.
Why do I only date orphans?
Because they never have daddy issues.
Never trust a donkey; they are always full of shit.
Sans: Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Papyrus: Because they looked like me?
Sans: ... Sure.
What do McDonald's and priests have in common... They both stick their meat in 10 year old buns
