They jokes
I don't usually like to tell 9/11 jokes for two reasons: they're morally wrong, and they tend to crash and burn.
You know why I don't buy Velcro items anymore?
They are a total rip off.
What happened when the teacher tied all the students' shoe laces together?
They took a class trip.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Two gay lovers find out they are brothers.
The bakery where I work is being robbed. I said to the people, "I am calling the police." Then I realized they did not come for the money; they came for the bread. Huh, go figure!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Owl say.
Owl say who?
Yes, they do.
I will tell you a story. There was a fruit named Pear who was named Dyck. He one day met his friend Carrot, who was later killed after being stuck into some girl's vagina.
Pear then became very sadistic and no one loved him, and he became mentally fruit-pressed. One day he met a Banana named Harvey Weinstein, and they got married and had children who were all named Minion. Eventually, the rest of his family died, and Pear was left slowly rotting away. His last words were, "I have finally 'peared' the consequences of all my actions."
When Lexa took Clarke out on a date, she walked past the candle shop, and she bought all the candles. After the date, they went back to the Heda's (Commander's) Tower, which is basically a huge candle. "All I wanna do is Candle you!"
They said I couldn't drive.
Now they know I can't cause they are all dead.
Question: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Answer: Because they taste funny!
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
There are 6 kinds of vitamins. Wanna know how the 6th vitamin was made? Just ask the Ku Klux Klan, they will tell you.
I have a bunch of jokes about unemployed people. It's a shame they never work!
A man went to a library and asked the librarian if they had any books on suicide.
She replied "Oh fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
I went to China and said, "I have a big cock," so they thought I said they look like a cock. Then I realized I said it in English.
Why do people name a kid "Rob?" Because they want him to rob a bank so they could adopt new kids to lock in their basement for a late-night toy.
Why do orphans have phones?
Because they don't know how to call home.
Why is North Korea so good at Geometry?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
I tell short people to reach for the stars.
They are always a bit short of reach.
I like playing with Yoyos, because at least they always come back.