There jokes

Steven Hawking said there is no God,

Then God said there is no Steven Hawking.

There was a costume party on Halloween. Everyone was there except one guy. Many people asked his brother where he was. His reply was, "Oh, he wanted to be our dad for Halloween."

Dad: "I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage."

Kid: "Why are you doing that?"

Dad: "So you won't get bored there."

There's no "I" in team, but there is a "U" in cunt.

Why do orphans eat cereal with water? Their dad didn't come back with the milk.

Me: Knock knock.

Friend: Who's there?

Me: I don't know anymore.

A man walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the barman if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The barman replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar. I'm blonde. So do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "F**k that. I ain't explaining the joke 4 times."

Asian pregnancy test: Stick a Rubik cube into vagina. Wait 30 seconds, if it's solved then there's a little Asian in there.

If you push someone that's bullying, if you kill someone that's murder, if there is no evidence it's nothing.

There was a kidnapping at school.

Don't worry, he woke up.

"Knock knock."

Orphan: "Who's there?"

"Not your parents."

There's a movie about constipation. It hasn't come out yet.

Yo mamma so fat, when God said, "Let there be light," he was just asking her to get out the way.

There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

The Sunday school teacher is a little concerned that his kids might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Little Suzy replies, “He’s in heaven.”

Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”

The teacher says, “How do you know this?”

Then little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ are you still in there!?””

A cop stopped a guy for speeding.

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.

The cop said, "But there is no traffic."

And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

Did you fall from heaven? Or did you fall from the cliff up there?

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds, "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"

A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of lifesavers, and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor. So, the teacher gives them a hint and says, "It's what your parents call each other." [honey] But a little girl shouts and says, "OMG, they're assholes."

Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”