There jokes

A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.

The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"

The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."

The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."

So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"

The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."

The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.

"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Your dad.

But my dad's dead.

I know, just reminding you!

Why are there no fat people in Japan?

Last time they had a "Fat Man," 80,000 people died.

Why can't you teach an orphan new tricks?

Because there is no one to teach them.

Roses are red, violets are blue, and if you're my friend, I'll be there till the end.

There is no god. None, not one.

What does the "f" in "orphan" stand for? Family, but there's no "f".

There are only two genders.

What happens when an emo goes to the grocery store? The cashier scans their wrist too.

A boy named Jimmy was riding to Hell to save his brothers and sister. That is the last place he pissed. There came across the Devil.

Part 1

Why do orphans hate smart kids?

Because the smart kids get their parents' attention.

What do an orphan and a blind person have in common? They both can't see their parents.

What did my dad say before he went to go get milk?

"There's money in my wallet for pizza. I love you."

Me: That’s a good WAVE.

Friend: I SEA it.

Wave: Doesn't break for us to surf on.

Me: I was SHORE it would be good.

Friend: I SEA what you did there.

Roses are red. Your blood is too. You look like a monkey And belong in a zoo.

Do not worry, I will be there too. Not in the cage, But laughing at you.

Twin Towers are like genders, there used to be 2.

Why didn't the orphan do the work?

Because when the teacher says they would call your mum or dad, there's nobody to call.

These days, dating life is hard. You put yourself out there, and it's hard to find someone. The only thing to do is turn to family.

My dog went through my bathroom garbage, and for some reason, my sister put a bunch of ketchup packets in there...

Me: I just shot an orphan.

Mate: You can’t do that!

Me: What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?