The jokes
I got a new job at a trampoline park the other day. If I’m being honest, it’s got its ups and downs.
What did Sally get for her birthday? A football!
Only joking; she hasn't opened the box yet.
Why can’t you tell a funny joke to a wheelchair kid? Because he just rolls with the joke.
What did the Ford Mustang say to the crowd of innocent people?
I'D HIT THAT!
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Memes
We have some leak in the fridge. I'm surprised nobody has called a plumber.
What did the knife say to the other knife?
"Knife to meet you."
What do James Doyle and Hannah Doyle have in common?
John fucked them both in the rear.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.
Where did Sally go during the bombings? Everywhere!
Why didn’t the parents bother looking for her? Because she was in the front and back yard in small chunks! 😂
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum and yells: "Who the fuck fucked my wife?"
Everybody is silent for a second, then the bartender said: "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets!"
Why didn't the Twin Towers order cheese pizza?
They like pepperoni, not plane!
Little Johnny: Hey, Dad, are you finally back with the milk?
Dad: Yea, but it's expired, so I'm going back to the "milk store" and get more (and not come back for a couple more years). :)
Twinkle, twinkle, there’s a car Coming like a shooting star.
I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.
What's the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple?
The apple gets picked.
Your mom is so fat she was the reason why the Titanic crashed.
I was digging in my backyard and found a chest of coins. I wanted to run inside and tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging in the backyard.