The jokes
I think I banged a Chinese celebrity...
She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung” like I was supposed to know the name.
Your mom's so fat, when she sat on Walmart, she lowered the prices!
What is a glory hole at the adult book store used for?
Campaign contributions to the Republican Party.
What's the difference between a silver medal and a priest?
They both came in a little behind.
Why did the skeleton not rob the bank?
He did not have the guts!
Memes
Why didn't the toilet paper make it across the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
Why was Wacko Jacko willing to write a song for the film Free Willy?
He thought that the film's title was a nice phrase to yell out in primary school playgrounds.
It's the season of giving, so I'll be giving up!
I turned off all the beeping machines in the hospital. I love the peace and quiet, but I don't know why everyone is sleeping cause it's only 8 am.
Who are the world's fastest readers?
The 9/11 suicide jumpers, they went through 110 stories in 5 seconds. Sorry.
How is the business in Ukraine? It's booming.
Why does Helen Keller hate the national anthem? Oh, say, can you see?
What's the difference between parents and depression? At least one of them leaves you.
So I was being robbed, and this guy had the gun to my head, so I told him he was holding it backwards.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just WAVED. Can you SEA what I did there? I'm SHORE you did. Why are you so SALTY? Don't be a BEACH.
Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."
The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."
The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"
Roses are red, violets are blue, You think violets are blue, what the hell is wrong with you?
Where did the cat go when it lost its tail? -- To the retail store!
Getting murdered by someone is probably the most intimate experience I'll ever have.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.