The jokes

Why is the USA bad at chess?

Because they lost two towers.

What’s the difference between a motorcycle and a mutilated body?

I don’t have a motorcycle in my garage.

Yo mama so fat that when the cashier at KFC asked her what size bucket she wants, she said "the one on the roof."

What's the hardest thing to do?

Not kill your siblings. (Put the knives away ">:)")

At first, I didn't like Big Ben, but then I went there and the experience was un-BELL-ievable!

What's a kind of cat that lives in the water? Octopus.

I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised when I saw on the news that there was a school shooting in my shooting range. I don't know who snitched...

How do you break up blind people in a fight? Scream, "I put my money on the guy with the knife!"

What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

We are always joking around about being adopted, when really we are still living in the orphanage.

What do you call 2 octopuses that look the same? Identical!

Where does an octopus put its money? In an octo-purse!

I bought a wooden whistle. I tried so hard, but it wouldn't whistle.

So I bought a steel one. It still wouldn't let me whistle. Then I got a lead one. It still wouldn't lead me whistle. Then I realised, they were flutes, so the wood would lead me whistle if I did it correctly. Steel....

What did one cow say to the other? You are mootiful!

What did the baker say when he forgot the cookie sheets?

Ooh, snickerdoodles!

After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?

My penis.

Lynx, where the fuck are you? This is Dagger Jr. (Proof in comments).

What’s better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded.

Your mum, your dad, The things you never had.

Yo mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale, it says, "To be continued."

How do you lift a depressed person up?

No need, they'll find a way to get on the tree somehow.