The jokes
Why did the pen stop writing?
'Cause the pen wasn't very dependable.
Why does Michael Jackson do positions with kids in photos? Because they won’t do the same for him.
For all the Harry Potter fans:
A VPN is occlumency for smart devices, and our ISP is a legilimens.
What's the hardest part to eat of a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!
Memes
Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
It was a complete waste of money.
He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."
"You are under arrest for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!"
"Wait! I can explain everything!"
Why was the dog stealing shingles?
He wanted to be a woofer.
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars. As I lay there, I thought to myself: WHERE'S THE ROOF?
What does a lesbian and a sea turtle have in common?
They both choke on plastic.
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”
If you had the strength of an ant, you could lift the pyramid of Giza.
(Ants can lift items 20x their weight.)
Why can't an orphan have milk?
His dad didn't come back with the milk.
The more suicidal people there are, the less suicidal people there are... Woah!
How do you tell if someone is depressed?
The brains on the wall.
What's the difference between WW2 kamikaze planes and 9/11?
One of the missions succeeded.
Why can't Mexicans play Uno?
Because they take all the green cards.