The jokes

What is the difference between your girlfriend and your sister?

They're both "sweet home Alabama."

Why was the sand wet? Because the sea weed!

what's the difference between a feminist and a knife?

one has a point.

A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks confused and says, "Oh really? You have a drink named 'Bob'??"

Me: I bombed the 2 tests yesterday.

Friend: What were the tests about?

Me: Japan.

What happens when you combine candy and dick? That creepy guy down the street!

Why is Martin Luther King so bad at laundry?

He won't separate the whites from the colors...

What is Africa's most famous sport?

The Hunger Games.

The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.

Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."

Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"

Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."

Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.

The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."

Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.

Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.

After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.

Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"

The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."

Did you guys see on the news where they arrested that pervert at the Michaels Crafts store?

He was running around completely naked and had sprinkled glitter all over his testicles. I guess it was pretty nuts.

How do Asians name their kids?

They throw pots and pans down the stairs. (ching chong dong)

A black dude hits up a trap house for some crack and Hennessy, flashing his grill and boasting 'bout his gangsta life. The dealer snarls, "Pay up, fool. Or face the pipe!" He shrugs, "I'm broke, n***a." Suddenly, the dealer's ripped enforcer yanks him down, cuffs his hands with zip ties, shoves a vibrating dildo gag down his throat, slaps his ass red with a spiked paddle, then rams his throbbing monster cock into that tight hole, pounding savagely while choking him with a chain collar, flooding his guts with hot cum as he moans, "That's your high, bitch. Addicted yet?"

A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says, "Come! Meet Jesus!"

One of the guys takes out a knife and says, "You first."

Three men walk into a bar... you would have thought the last one would have ducked.

What do you call a fruit that argues against the position it supports?

The Devil's advocado.

Have you heard about the lemming that jumped off a cliff into an ocean?

I heard it was because of pier pressure.

"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"

"To the morgue."

"But I'm not dead yet!"

"But we're not there yet."

How did Stephen Hawking get up the stairway to heaven?

What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek? "Together we can stop this shit!"