The jokes
I was at a restaurant and a waitress yelled, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said, "I know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed and laughed, well, everyone except one.
The IRS hates when you don't have to pay your taxes with this one mind-blowing trick.
What's the depressed person's favorite song?
Van Halen - Jump
Why did the hooker fall in love? Stockholm syndrome.
Satanism is such an ugly word. I prefer the term, "red skin appreciation."
Memes
Kill yourself in any way. I'm killing myself the HIGHway.
They say the first time doesn't work, third time's the charm. Ha, not!
I told the emo girl to stop playing fruit ninja on her wrists.
What did the person say to the orphan?
"Where are your parents?"
Why did the cat cross the road?
To make a catastrophy on the road.
A: Why are you so sad?
B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.
A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?
B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie.
I saw an orphan in the grocery store and asked him, "Where's your mom?" and he cried. Why?
What is the difference between an emo kid and a cutting board?
How does the next train stop for a depressive person? Death.
Why did the plane cross the road? To get to the other tower.
What did the north tower say to the south tower during the summer? Get ready for fall!
If you were driving when all of a sudden a young kid and an old man run right in front of you, what do you hit?
The brakes, you sick bastard.
Why do orphans have water with their cereal?
Because their dad never came home with the milk.
I replaced "Jingle Bells" with "Jiggle Balls"... "Jiggle balls, jiggle balls, jiggle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride on jiggly balls today!"
Why couldn't the orphan watch Spiderman? He couldn't find his way home.