The jokes

Give a man a match; he will be warm for hours.

Set him on fire; he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Why did the computer go to the doctor?

Because it had a virus.

I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.

What do the Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people.

I told a blind man to read more, so he grabbed my arm and read the whole dictionary.

I walked into the party and the host asked me if I would like a slice of pie.

I responded "yes," and he said: "okay, 14159."

Did you know ghosts are alcoholics?

They only come out for the boos.

Me: What did one toilet say to the other?

You: What?

Me: You look flushed!

Why did the skunk 🦨 sleep 💤 under a car?

Because he wanted to wake up oily.

When the school shooter is gonna clap the football team but his AK jams: “Take it easy guys, I was just joking!”

What's the difference between life and a rape joke?

Life fucks you until you stop breathing, a rape joke fucks you until it's not funny anymore.

Americans when they think they have the best offensive British jokes: "we threw your tea in the ocean." 💀

British people making offensive jokes about America: "our towers didn’t explode."😎

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.

My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."

The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"

My mom said, "I took your advice."

Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into 2 skyscrapers.

I wanted to play as Kobe Bryant on my gaming console, but the game kept crashing.

Hi, I was a feminist until I realised that:

A. Feminism is just a pile of dumb shit.

B. That men are actually treated unequally.

SO

we should all say sorry to the boys for pissing them off.

Why is the B so cool? Because it’s in between A and C.

If her age is on the clock, she gets the cock.

Why did the heterosexual woman try to put a mask 😷 on her pussy? She wanted to protect herself from covid, but she did try to put a mask 😷 on her dildo, but the mask 😷 keep falling off the dildo.