The jokes
The depressed kid at school tried giving the tree a high five.
It left him hanging.
Don't be scared of skeletons.
They don't have the guts for murder.
What did one shoe say to the other shoe when they were fighting?
I wanna sock you in the eye so bad!
Teacher: "I'm sorry, but you got a 74 on the test."
Quiet Kid: "I'll show you my own 74."
Classroom: *visible panic*
"Did you go to the light show?"
"Yeah, it was lit."
Memes
How did the farmer find his lost cow? He tractor down.
I fell down the stairs once.
Why did the dog join the marching band?
Because he had his trum-bone.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts to do it.
Why didn’t the bike stand on its own?
It was too tired.
What did the processor say when it was being overclocked?
"Stop it! It hertz so much!"
Science can fly you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.
Why do black people only have nightmares?
Because we shot the last one that had a dream.
When 9/11 happened, we changed our airport policies. When school shootings happen, we haven't changed anything since the shooting at Columbine in 1999. And we say we want the children to be safe.
I don't get this. Why is it I go to an orphanage and all of a sudden they said I used to be the cutest baby there?
What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?
The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.
The population in Ireland's capital started rapidly growing. In fact, it's Dublin!
What's the difference between a sheet and a baby?
One of them is really loud when you iron it.
Leave a man on a plane, and he flies for a day.
Throw a man off a plane, and he flies for the rest of his life.
My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."