The jokes

So little Johnny was walking to the bathroom, and he said, "Grandma," said, "why is the blood coming out of your ###😥 I need to call help."

What’s the difference between Jesus and a plank of wood?

A plank of wood can take nails to the extremities without screaming.

Why did Mozart hate all of his chickens?

When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

Being gay must be a pain in the ass.

When a plane is having turbulence, it’s just the pilot shaking the steering.

A blind guy walks into the door of a bar...

That's it... that's the end of the joke.

Mrs. Mallara's boobs were (69) pounds. She said that was too too too much (69222), so she went to 51st Street (6922251) to visit Doctor X (6922251 x), and the surgery lasted 8 hours (6922251 x 8).

She ended up (the total flipped upside down spells boobless) (=)55378008

Did you know that Helen Keller had a twin?

Yeah, Helen ate her in the womb.

DON’T READ THIS IF YOU HAVE NOT PLAYED SETTLERS OF CATAN!

“Wheat is going on?” I asked my godmother. She replied “Godson, I really don’t know, but could you please get me some m-ore Shloer?”

“Ok, I’ll sheep if there’s any in the fridge!”

Rapist: "Get into the fucking van!"

Kid: "mi gniog ot tell ym momy"

Rapist: "Fine" (Grabs a white kid instead)

A girl invites her friends to come to her birthday party, and at the party, one of her friends poops their pants.

When Sally finds out, she yells, “I never should have invited you to my party! You are a party pooper!”

I call my sister a "fat cow," and she asks me, "Want to hear a joke?" I say, "Sure." She says, "You are the joke!"

The most famous line from Shakespeare’s play Julius Caesar is “Et tu, Brute?”

Why can’t he just speak plain English?

The ocean didn't start smelling like fish until women started swimming in it.

I once went to the bar for a pint, but the strippers there didn't have that much breast milk.

What's the difference between MetaCareForAll and the resurrection of our lord and savior Jesus Christ?

One of them is an unrealistic fantasy that can never come true because it wouldn't work. The other one is the resurrection our lord and savior Jesus Christ.

The vampire was kept awake all night because of his wife's coughin' (coffin...coughin'...get it?)

What time does the man go to the bank?

8 AM.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch some pail of water.

Jack came down, and then Jill came tumbling after, so they had a baby...

What is the difference between a human and a tree? A human can walk, and a tree 🌳 cannot walk.