The jokes

Here in Canada, you used to be able to be shipped off to an asylum just because you were gay.

I guess they couldn't tell the fruits from the nuts.

Q. What's the difference between fucking a coma patient and fucking a cabbage?

A. You have to cut a hole in the cabbage.

I don't laugh at Trump.

I was taught to NEVER make fun of the mentally handicapped.

I used to think all Americans were racist.

Now I've changed my mind. They DID elect an orange president.

What do you call a Flying Pilot?

He pee on the plane.

Hey Explain bear, how would you like to be replaced by #ExplainNibbles the hamster AI?

I don’t like to play games, actually. There is one game: It’s Barbie. Of course, I’ll be Ken, and you’ll be the box cum in.

What's a prostitute's favorite snack?

Skittles. They love to taste the rainbow.

Did you hear about the pervert who couldn't decide whether he was into incest or necrophilia?

He killed his mom and then fucked her.

Little Johnny’s father walks into the bathroom and catches him masturbating. He says, “Son, every time you do that, you kill an innocent baby.”

The next day, his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again. Johnny says, “Bow your head, Dad. Can’t you see we’re having a funeral?”

A fish was swimming around in a pond when he noticed a fly flying around about six inches above the water. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, I could have myself a nice meal."

There was a bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, that fish will come up for that fly, and I can catch that fish and have myself a nice meal."

There was a hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will go for the fish, and I can shoot the bear and have myself a nice meal."

There was a mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich and I can have myself a nice meal."

There was a cat in a tree watching the mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich, the mouse will go for the sandwich, and I can catch that mouse and have myself a nice meal."

Then it all happened.

The fly dropped six inches.

The fish came up and caught the fly.

The bear came out and caught the fish.

The hunter got up to shoot the bear and dropped his sandwich.

The mouse went for the sandwich.

The cat jumped from the tree, missed, and landed in the pond.

The lesson that can be learned here is that every time a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet.

So, one day I walk up to my sister and tell her that she is adopted because she doesn't look like anyone in the family. She starts to cry. My mom asks why she's crying, and I say I told her she was adopted and I was there for the adoption, and we have papers. It was all a lie. She is not adopted, and everything is fine.

Student: There are 505 rocks in a car. If 8 fall out, how many are left?

Teacher: There will be 497 rocks left.

Student: Ok!!

Student: How do you put an alligator in a closet?

Teacher: You can't, it won't fit.

Student: No!! Just open the door, put the alligator in, then close the door.

Teacher: Ohhh, now I get it.

I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?

She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"

To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"

An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"

Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"

Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."

Your mum is so stupid, she tried to take the crown off a "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster so that she could become the new queen of England.

What's the difference between a truck full of babies and a truck full of bowling balls?

You can only unload one of them with a pitch fork.

How is being gay like a geology class?

You get to lick all the rocks you want.

Why do only guys have fun? There's only the word "penis" in happiness.

What’s the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

Acne waits till you’re 13 to come on your face.