The jokes

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

One gets picked.

When the school shooter finds you under the table,

"Wonderful weather we're having!"

Did you know that "girlfriend" at the end, it starts with "end." So does "boyfriend," and "friend" have "end" at the end of it, but "family" at the end it "ily" I love you.

When the school shooter kills five people, and the autistic kid yells, "Heroes never die!"

The Titanic basically nominated all the passengers for the ice bucket challenge.

Why are the jokes fat? Because you made it.

Why do planets circle the sun?

'Cause they like the game of ring-around-the-rosy.

What’s the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One is fun to smash and one is a watermelon.

What is the difference between a human being in the car?

What is the difference between a human and a tree?

And walk, walk home, and...

A farmer has 3 fat ugly cows. One is named Xia. The next is named Chiang. What's the third?

Yu.

What does the Peanut Butter Baby say?

"Ah!"

Why did the teddy bear decide not to eat the turkey?

Because he was too stuffed.

How many police officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they just beat the room for it being black.

So, if being a paedophile is a career, then burying the bodies must be gardening.

What did the man say to his wife, wanna play?

Why did the Russian cross the road?

To get to the other side.

There was a man in a tower, and the other man thought it was a girl, so he said, "Let down your long hair." He said, "OK, I will let my big, super long, hairy penis down for you to climb and suck." Then the other man said, "If you have such a long dick, suck it yourself. See ya, b*tch."

I was camping with my buddy, and there was a fire. We were roasting marshmallows, and there was a vine. I tripped on it and went penis first into the fire, and I said, "Well, there goes your children, stupid ass!"

What do a blackjack dealer and my uncle have in common?

They both hit me face down on the table.