The jokes
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."
What's the difference between a child and a cancer diagnosis? At least the cancer grows up and leaves eventually.
My therapist said I have trouble letting go of the past. So I killed him.
I started a company making coffins. The slogan? 'We're dying to meet you.'
Memes
My favourite new meme is The Wopmutt Meme. The wopmutt meme grew in popularity because it's based, true, and funny.
What's the difference between a joke and a tragedy? Timing.
When slave owners can't get a girlfriend, do they MASTERbate?
When a redhead commits a mass shooting, does the headline read, "Ginger snaps"?
When a baby was born to a slave, did the slave owners hang a "Bred in Captivity" sign above the crib?
Did you hear about the guy who died by lethal injection and writhed on the stretcher for 20 minutes?
I guess it really IS all in the execution.
My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"
Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."
When prostitutes misbehave, do their pimps make them stand out on the corner with a "For Rent" sign on their crotch?
Why was Saudi Arabia sad during 9/11?
Because there were no more planes.
Why did the rapper open a bakery?
Because he wanted to make dough.
Why did the rapper go to therapy?
He had too many BARS he couldn't drop.
What do you call a rapper who's also a magician?
Eminem-o the Great.
Why did the rapper open a bakery?
To make some DOUGH while he dropped his beats!
Why did the rapper always carry a map?
Because he wanted to FIND his way to the TOP.
Why did the rapper become an archaeologist?
Because he wanted to dig for old-school beats!
What's a rapper's favorite day of the week?
FREESTYLE FRIDAY!