The jokes

What's the difference between Donald Trump and Derek Vinyard?

A shaved head, a chest tattoo, and a moustache.

Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Cremation,

The last chance for a smoking hot body.

How do parents punish their blind kids?

They re-arrange the furniture.

When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Today in math class we had to do an activity where we had to flip coins. The teacher said that we had to flip some coins, remove all of the heads, count them, and put the rest of the coins back in the cup and repeat until we had no coins left. I’m not sure what we were supposed to get out of that activity, but I got 15 dead bodies.

A man went to the library and asked for a book about suicide. The librarian said, "Go away, you won’t bring it back."

People were talking and asking what's the worst day of the year for them.

Person 1: "The first day of school because I don't like going to school."

Person 2: "Valentine's day because it's too lovey."

Me: "Oh nice, mine is my birthday because it's when I was born."

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into the school fire and said, "Hot wheels."

Woman: "Doctor, where are we going?"

Doctor: "To the morgue."

Woman: "I'm not dead yet, doctor."

Doctor: "We're not at the morgue yet, either."

Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

The USA guaranteeing freedom of speech is the biggest joke I've heard... Tell that to the people who were almost killed because their cars had "NASCAR Sucks" and "Country and Western is rubbish" on them!

Leave a like down below if you think Stephen Hawking should stand for the National Anthem.

I love how in horror movies the person calls out, "Hello," as if the psycho will answer, "Hey, what's up? I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"

Why did the United Nations stop the french government from using the guillotine in public?

because the french government was using the guillotine in public on newborn baby boys for circumcision.

What pool never runs dry?

The one on the Titanic.

Titanic: "And I'm nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!"

If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?