The jokes

What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?

100 dead babies in a trash can.

What is worse than that?

There's a live one at the bottom.

What is worse than that?

It eats its way out.

What is worse than that?

It comes back for seconds.

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam.

When the phone is ringing, Dad says, "If it's for me, don't answer it."

Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage.

Lettuce pray.

I almost got run over by a car.

For the rest of the day I was taking the backseat as I was wheely tried.

Stephen Hawking died crossing the road. He was hit by a Universal Serial Bus.

I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shih tzu.

A wife asks her husband: Am I pretty or ugly?

The husband answers her: Pretty.

The wife responds: Thank yo-

The husband interrupts her: Pretty ugly!

Where did Susie go after the bomb exploded?

Everywhere.

No, no, no, no. Spot the intruder.

There's no one.

How many times can 46 go into 8? Just hop in the van and find out.

A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."

"Interesting."

"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.

One day an old woman came into the bank and asked me to check her balance... So, I pushed her over.

I bought a new shotgun the other day. Want to know what I called it?

Kurt Cobain's microphone.

Question: How did the cat cross the river?

Answer: It didn’t, it drowned.

I'm really bad at giving directions, but don't take that the wrong way.

What if Stephen Hawking was the Real Slim Shady, but no one knew because he couldn't stand up?

"Banjo players spend half their lives tuning... and the other half out of tune."

I'm a banjo picker, and I can confirm this is 99% true.

An autistic woman walks into a bar. "A serving of Screaming Banshee, please," she says.

The bartender says, "Ok, you seem to like it, unlike a retired special ed teacher that passed through a few minutes ago."

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.