The jokes

I woke up on the floor this morning. I think I woke up on the wrong side though.

When you think your mom's a virgin, then you stumble into the wrong closet.

We should stop taking the piss out of Asian people. I mean, they already have enough on their plates... like cats and dogs.

A family of 3, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”

“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.

“Let me start,” says the son.

“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.

“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.

“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games,” says the mom.

“Your right!” He replies.

“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”

“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom,” Says the son.

“The lie is the second on,” says the dad.

Odo walks down the alley and turns into a bar.

What did the shoes say to the pants?

"SUP, BRITCHES!"

The previous joke was by Sebastian Wittrock, but he put Miguel Roberts as the name.

I bet you go grocery shopping at the Twinkie Factory.

What was the incontinent farmer's greatest problem? He managed his carrot patch but couldn't control his peas!

When Stephen Hawking died, did they take him to the hospital or PC World?

When you send a dick pic and she sends one back,

I'm glad mine is the biggest, so I get to fuck my dad again.

A guy goes to the store to buy thyme.

When he got back to put the thyme away he realized he still had thyme left. This was all for nothing, it was just a big waste of your thyme.

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

Where did the one legged lady work?

IHOP

What's the difference between dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

Well, tell her that Halloween is the best holiday because you can hide Easter eggs under the Christmas tree while eating a big Thanksgiving turkey.

Why can't Stephen Hawking go to heaven?

'Cause he'd walk up the stairs!

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A hippo is really heavy, a Zippo is a little lighter.

What is the best way to catch a baby from falling off the roof?

With a pitchfork.