The jokes
I will never forget the moment when my father saw me masturbating. He said, "Son, what are you doing? I'm on a video conference - get out of my office!"
Why are clips 30 rounds? Because that's the average class size.
Why didn’t the autistic boy like Minecraft?
There was a new texture pack.
Why did the woman cross the road?
What’s she doing out of the kitchen in the first place?
Why couldn't the annoying dog get on Papyrus's nerves?
HE'S A SKELETON. HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY.
Memes
Why was the Mexican scared of cold water?
It might turn into ICE.
How do 4 gay guys fit on one stool at the same time?
They flip it over.
What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?
I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.
How many CIA agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
They don't need lightbulbs--they glow in the dark.
I added Paul Walker on Xbox...
But he spends all his time on the dashboard.
What does the SpongeBob intro and a pedophile have in common?
"Are you ready kids?"
Ted Bundy walks into a bar wearing all black. The bartender asks, “Whose funeral is it?”
Ted Bundy looks around the room and replies, “I haven’t decided yet.”
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
The brain named itself, and when the brain realized that it named itself, it was surprised.
But maybe, it was a spelling mistake and the brain wanted the name Brian. We all have a little Brian in us!
I saw two really tall guys. I walked up and said, "I didn't know we still have the Twin Towers!"
What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?
A bowling ball doesn't cry when you put your fingers in it.
Q. What’s black and blue and doesn’t like to have sex?
A. The little girl in my trunk.
Q. How does an ISIS terrorist practice safe sex?
A. He marks the camels that kick.
I went to jail because I gave the orphan kid a calendar with 363 days.
(I deleted Mother's Day and Father's Day.)
Judge to the defendant: "Defendant, do you have a criminal record?"
"No."
"Have you always been honest?"
"No, never been caught!"