The jokes
Guy 1: Why is my cat so angry?
Guy 2: Because she wants to eat your big sausage.
Guy 1: Don't you?
Guy 2: Yeah, it seems delicious.
Guy 1: Mmm, so... w-wait what are you doing? I didn't think you meant the one in my lunch :< Where are you leaving #_#
**Meow...**
Guy 1: Shut up, I will never feed you this sausage. It's not for you :< -_- </3
Q: Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
A: It did not want to get stuck in a crack.
Why did the cow want to be an astronaut?
Because it wanted to see the Milky Way!
The farmers were playing chess, and the winner shouted and said: "I killed your horse!"
The second quickly left, and when he returned he said: "We have poisoned all your cows!"
There was someone who slept late... he missed the dream!
Memes
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into the school fire and said, "Hot wheels!"
Why were there only 3,000 Mexicans at the Battle of the Alamo? Cause there were only 4 trucks.
Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?
Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”
Do you know that “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing?
Except at a funeral.
Did you see the dyslexic kid try to write down “funeral?”
No? Shame, it was real fun.
What’s the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.
What is the difference between a hipster and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers.
Do you know what the F in orphan is for...
Family.
What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?
Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”
Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.
Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.
What’s the only plus for someone who burns to death?
They get a discount at the crematorium.
Why are Indian people bad at Monopoly?
Because whenever they hit the corner, they build a shop.
What does weed and the Carolina Panthers have in common?
They both get smoked in bowls.
What's the difference between me and cancer?
Well, my dad couldn't beat cancer.
Who is the least young Dave?
Dave-on.