Suicide jokes
Do y'all know the saying "Hang in there?" Well, fuck that, because I might as well be hanging myself.
My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.
I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.
I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.
What did the tree say to the depressed kid?
"Stop hanging around."
People love you.
Don't die.
If you jump off a building and yell "parkour," how can they tell that it was intentional? T'was a failed stunt.
Some people say I like heights; others say I'm a daredevil.
In reality, I like killing myself.
This man has been through all kinda shit in his life. So one day, he finally looks at himself in the mirror and says, "If another person looks at me again, I'm going to kill myself." He looks at himself and no one ever heard from him again.
me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.
What is my most popular side of myself?
Suicide.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Suicide.
Suicide who?
Suicide you.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Your dead son.
My initials are K.M.C.
Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".
Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.
I’m writing an autobiography.
Don't do suicide, that shit kills.
Hey, people don't fly with suicide jokes.
In fact, they hang with them!
Hey, are you suicide? Because I want to do you!
Me, calls the police*
Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!
Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.
Me: Why, so you can then stop me?
Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!
Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!
Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!
What did one depressed kid say to the other?
Hey, wanna hang together?
I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.
And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."
What did I say to the bridge?
Bye, bridge.