SOS Jokes

So Stephen Hawking walked into a bar - just kidding.

White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!

An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"

My wife cheated on me with my brother.

She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.

Yo mama so fat that she was born on the 3rd, 4th, and 5th of March.

My teacher said, "I'm gonna leave soon, I don't want to be here anymore!" So I shot her.

I was told to burn calories, so I threw your mom in the fire.

Yo mama so fat, One Punch Man had to punch 3 times.

Parents: "I'm taking your toys to the orphanage." Kid: "Why?" Parents: "So you don't get bored there."

Why was the orphan so successful? Because once someone told him "go big or go home," and he only had one option.

And so the Lord said unto John, "Come forth, and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Yo mama is so fat, she wakes up on both sides of the bed.

They always say you are what you eat! So I’d be nothing. That sounds about right.

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

Alfonso's mom is so fat that she stepped on the scale and the doctor said, "Oh shit, that's my phone number!"

I've always been suicidal. Some might say, "Why haven't I actually done the act?" I'll just say, well, I hate myself too much so I thought I'd stay around for the punishment of staying alive.

So, there was this girl on the street that had no arms or legs, that said "Hey sir, I've never been fucked before, will you do the honors and fuck me?" So, I threw her in the ocean and said "Well, your fucked now."

My mom said don't fuck whores.

So I kicked my step sis out the house.

Yo mama so ugly!

The mime broke his 30 year streak of silence!!!!

I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.