SOS jokes

I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.

So, if the reason people used to hang women was because they were seen as witches back in the day, if boys were to be hung, would they be called wizards?

I was always poked and told at weddings your next...

So I went to funerals and poked them and said your next.....

Little Johnny is in class one day, and little Timmy starts laughing. The teacher says, "What's so funny?" He said, "I can see your bra strap." The teacher says, "Don't come back to class for a week," so he gets up and walks out. A few minutes later, little Billy starts laughing, and she asks, "What's funny now?" Little Billy said, "I can see both of your bra straps." The teacher says, "Get out of my classroom for a month." So little Billy got pissed, he walked out and slammed the door. This scared the teacher, and she dropped the chalk. She picked it up, then she stood back up, and she sees little Johnny walking out of the classroom. She asked, "Where do you think you're going?" He said, "Well, teach, after what I saw, I'm done with school for a lifetime."

There were three people on the third floor of a building. The first one took a bite of an apple, then said it was too hard, so he threw it out the window. The second person took a bite of a lemon. He said it was too sour, so he threw it out the window. The third guy was drunk. He took a bite of a grenade and thought it was too crunchy, so he threw it out the window.

Then one of them went downstairs. He saw a dog laying on the ground dead. The apple had hit the dog in the head. Then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap. It had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head. Next, there was an old guy laughing. I asked him why he was laughing. He said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up."

So Stephen Hawking walked into a bar - just kidding.

Guys, this is so wrong. I'm an orphan and this extremely offends me. I'm telling my parents, um.......

Me: I look up to you.

Friend: Wow, thanks!

Me: But in general cuz your so tall.

An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"

Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.

White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!

Yo mama so fat, when I swerved to miss her, I ran out of gas.

I don't understand why people get offended by incest jokes; they're so family friendly.

Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.

My wife cheated on me with my brother.

She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.

Michael Jackson so white, I turned blind.

Why was the orphan so successful? Because once someone told him "go big or go home," and he only had one option.

Yo mama is so fat, she wakes up on both sides of the bed.

They always say you are what you eat! So I’d be nothing. That sounds about right.

So, there was this girl on the street that had no arms or legs, that said "Hey sir, I've never been fucked before, will you do the honors and fuck me?" So, I threw her in the ocean and said "Well, your fucked now."