Someone jokes
Orphans want girlfriends to call someone "Mommy."
What do you call someone who is extra virgin?
Mrs. Frame.
What is a kind thing to say to someone and what is a rude thing to say to someone?
Kind thing to say to someone: You are the most perfect you there is. Your outlook on life is amaz- (BLAH, BLAH, BLAH ENOUGH!)
Rudist thing to say too someone: You more uglyer than my mama's boyfriend. You are a son of a b word! Okay that is so much rude and why you can say that to a tree but anyway not the point. Bonus: The world's most weirdest name to say to a girl, is Nutter butter, we know that's a weird *and* stupid name because she is not nutter or butter she is a person not a thing! Oh well bye!!!!
If someone calls you, just say:
"This is Peter's abortion clinic and pizza restaurant, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!"
This joke does not work in print, you have to speak it to someone.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Helen Keller.
Helen Keller who?
(Don't say anything).
Helen Keller who?
...you will get a laugh...ty.
What’s the difference between someone who is high on the spectrum [and] low on the spectrum? At least I can write this joke.
What do you call someone with one arm and no legs?
Names.
Why did the orphan go to a church?
So he could call someone "father."
Anyone who says they don't like cats has never had one cooked right...
When someone says, "Jesus," I say, "Bitch, where?"
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.
Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."
Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?
Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.
What makes 9/11 an inside job?
Someone started calling it 10/7.
What did the cops say when someone called him racist?
"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."
If someone licks your elbow, you won't feel it.
If you put your ear up to someone's leg, you can hear them say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"
Why don’t rappers play hide and seek?
Because good luck finding someone who’s always in the booth!
Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."
I saw someone who was about to jump off a bridge. They were wearing a Nike "JUST DO IT" shirt.
Someone stole my balls :(
What is it called when someone is a wheel chair and in a fire?
Answer: Hot wheels...