A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
Why do orphan girls love pedophiles? Because they get to call someone “Daddy”
Why does a girl orphan want a boyfriend? To finally call someone Daddy!
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. ! She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"
So this one time i saw Sally trying to get up after she fell off the swing, and i helped her up and she said ''Thank you '' and i said your welcome. The next day i saw her legs and someone said '' I would not do that'' and i said '' Whatever'' i tapped sally and the top halve fell I said ''WHAT HAPPENED TO SALLY. And someone said she went in a mine field.
Why do Orphans go to Chruch? So that they can call someone Father
What do you call someone who hates rape jokes? An ugly feminist that couldn't get a cock in her mouth
Someone said to stop hurting myself but I'm still trying to cut me arms off
If you give someone a plane ticket and they will fly for a day, but if you push them out of a plane, they'll fly for the rest of their life.
i don't get it. orphans are very religious, well mostly. statistics say that roughly 2/3 of the orphan population go to church i mean its the only place they can call someone "father"
your mom is like a penny, two faced, flat, and always in someones pants.
Comebacks when someone say Bully: Your teeth is so yellow that when you start smiling you slow down the traffic. Say: At least its brighter than your future
Credit x/@jesopa
Never break a girl's/Boy's someone’s heart. They only have one of them. Break their bones instead. They have 206 of them.
I have two things i wanna say: 1. when ppl swear stop taking it so fucking literally. if someone calls u a bitch, they're not calling u a female dog. if they call u a cunt, they're not calling u a woman's private part, they r calling u either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby or something along those lines. ffs 2. wtf
I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.
What did Luke Skywalker say when he saw someone bullying his sister? You better not Leia finger on her!
Orphans go to church to call someone father.
Don't break someone's heart. They only have one. Break someone's bones. They have 206 of them.
What do you call a blind german? someone who can Nazi!
why do orphans love to go to church? Because they have someone to call father.
