Someone jokes

I was finally released from jail a year after I beat up someone on New Year’s Eve.

Don’t blame me for being suspicious of an Arabian counting down from ten.

When someone says, "Jesus," I say, "Bitch, where?"

Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.

"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."

"Oh, cool."

"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."

"Makes sense."

"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."

"Where's Trump's clock?"

"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."

And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.

Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.

Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."

Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?

Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.

Someone stole my balls :(

Me to an orphan: If you had a penny for everyone who loved you, I don't think you'd have any.

The orphan: But why?

Me: Because if someone loved you, they wouldn't have thrown you out.

How do you know someone is going to die?

He can't stop coughing. (coffin)

Not a joke, but this needs saying. Please can someone do something about all the pedo posts on here. It’s honestly just nasty.

They say we have a primal sense, that we can just feel when someone is watching us.

It’s been a few weeks, and it's clear that you do not have that sense.

Someone in my class yelled "Jenga!" while watching a documentary about the Twin Towers.

Why do orphans like pedos? Because they have someone to call "daddy."

What is it called when someone is a wheel chair and in a fire?

Answer: Hot wheels...

What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?

Breathing exercises.

I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!

How do you try to shout at someone on the bottom of the ground?

"Hey, sir! Are you dead?"

If someone licks your elbow, you won't feel it.

If you put your ear up to someone's leg, you can hear them say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

Why don’t rappers play hide and seek?

Because good luck finding someone who’s always in the booth!

Why do orphans like to go to church?

So they have someone to call father.

If you're bored, punch an orphan in the face. What is he gonna do, tell his parents?

Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."

I saw someone who was about to jump off a bridge. They were wearing a Nike "JUST DO IT" shirt.

What did the cops say when someone called him racist?

"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."