Someone jokes

Clock

Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.

"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."

"Oh, cool."

"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."

"Makes sense."

"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."

"Where's Trump's clock?"

"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."

And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.

  • 6
  • Penny

    Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.

    Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."

    Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?

    Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.

    Orphan

    Me to an orphan: If you had a penny for everyone who loved you, I don't think you'd have any.

    The orphan: But why?

    Me: Because if someone loved you, they wouldn't have thrown you out.

    Coffin

    How do you know someone is going to die?

    He can't stop coughing. (coffin)

    Memes

    Post

    Not a joke, but this needs saying. Please can someone do something about all the pedo posts on here. It’s honestly just nasty.

    Sense

    They say we have a primal sense, that we can just feel when someone is watching us.

    It’s been a few weeks, and it's clear that you do not have that sense.

    Class

    Someone in my class yelled "Jenga!" while watching a documentary about the Twin Towers.

    Jelly

    What's the difference between jam and jelly?

    You can't jelly your dick into someone's asshole.

    Lung

    What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?

    Breathing exercises.

    I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!

    Ground

    How do you try to shout at someone on the bottom of the ground?

    "Hey, sir! Are you dead?"

    Elbow

    If someone licks your elbow, you won't feel it.

    If you put your ear up to someone's leg, you can hear them say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

    Rapper

    Why don’t rappers play hide and seek?

    Because good luck finding someone who’s always in the booth!

    Orphan

    Why do orphans like to go to church?

    So they have someone to call father.

    If you're bored, punch an orphan in the face. What is he gonna do, tell his parents?

    Thermometer

    Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."

    Suicide

    I saw someone who was about to jump off a bridge. They were wearing a Nike "JUST DO IT" shirt.

    Racist

    What did the cops say when someone called him racist?

    "How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."

    Poopoo

    Tell someone that you're gonna say “I 1 poopoo” and it will go in order of numbers, so they say, “I 2 poopoo” & so on:

    You) I 1 poopoo

    (Them) I 2 poopoo

    (You) I 3 poopoo

    (Them) I 4 poopoo

    (You) I 5 poopoo

    (Them) I 6 poopoo

    (You) I 7 poopoo

    (Them) I 8 poopoo

    And be like, “You ate poopoo??! EWW!!”