Someone jokes
If someone calls you, just say:
"This is Peter's abortion clinic and pizza restaurant, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!"
This joke does not work in print, you have to speak it to someone.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Helen Keller.
Helen Keller who?
(Don't say anything).
Helen Keller who?
...you will get a laugh...ty.
What’s the difference between someone who is high on the spectrum [and] low on the spectrum? At least I can write this joke.
What do you call someone with one arm and no legs?
Names.
Why did the orphan go to a church?
So he could call someone "father."
Anyone who says they don't like cats has never had one cooked right...
When someone says, "Jesus," I say, "Bitch, where?"
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.
Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."
Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?
Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.
If someone licks your elbow, you won't feel it.
If you put your ear up to someone's leg, you can hear them say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"
I saw someone who was about to jump off a bridge. They were wearing a Nike "JUST DO IT" shirt.
What did the cops say when someone called him racist?
"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."
Why don’t rappers play hide and seek?
Because good luck finding someone who’s always in the booth!
Someone in my class yelled "Jenga!" while watching a documentary about the Twin Towers.
They say we have a primal sense, that we can just feel when someone is watching us.
It’s been a few weeks, and it's clear that you do not have that sense.
Someone stole my balls :(
Me to an orphan: If you had a penny for everyone who loved you, I don't think you'd have any.
The orphan: But why?
Me: Because if someone loved you, they wouldn't have thrown you out.
How do you know someone is going to die?
He can't stop coughing. (coffin)
What is it called when someone is a wheel chair and in a fire?
Answer: Hot wheels...
What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?
Breathing exercises.
I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!