So jokes

So, a daughter goes to her dad and says, "Daddy, can I borrow the car?" He then tells her, "You know what to do." So then she proceeds to suck him off, almost immediately pulls out in disgust, and says, "Ugh, tastes like shit." Her dad then said, "Damn, I forgot your brother took the car."

So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."

Yo mama's feet are so fat, she had to wear a sock on each toe.

Yo mama so fat she broke the stairway to heaven...

What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped?

Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.

So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.

A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."

What's so special about bullets?

They do work after they are fired.

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.

I got fired from my job today at a banana factory. They said to throw away the bad ones, so I threw away the bent ones.

My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!

So here's the joke. A bear walks into a bar and sits down and then....then..........then................................zzzz

Your hairline is so bad even your gay friend is straighter than it.

People always told me to open doors for elders. So I opened the plane door 5,000 feet up in the air for a grandma.

This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."

When the school shooter breaks into your classroom, so you try to say goodbye to your Roblox gf, but then the shooter's phone goes off.

What did one shoe say to the other shoe when they were fighting?

I wanna sock you in the eye so bad!

What did the processor say when it was being overclocked?

"Stop it! It hertz so much!"

Why are there so many scars and cuts on your arm?

Because it's a battlefield.

Help, my ADHD is so bad that not even I can focus in a concentration camp.

They should bring Michael Jackson back from the dead so he can star in the Peter Pan horror movie.