Shes jokes

Your mama's so fat, when she went to the movies, she sat next to everyone.

Q: Why did Sally drop her ice cream?

A: She got hit by a bus.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.

Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'

I saw a person raping a woman in an alleyway. I decided to help...she doesn't stand a chance between us.

Yo mama is so poor, she buys used food.

I was at a bar. The girl said, "Sex, sex, free sex tonight," when she really said, "663629."

I asked my mom if I can help her out with the cooking, she answered yes.

A few hours later, dinner was ready and dad came to join. Mother said, "Honey, can you get the mashed potatoes?" Dad said, "Why, she’s right here."

Yo mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND the house.

Yo mama so short that when she tried to sniff meth, she couldn’t get high.

Yo mama so dumb that when she went to Starbucks, she thought she could buy a star.

Yo mama is so fat, when she wore yellow, the kids thought they missed the bus.

Yo mama is so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.

Yo mama is so old that when she was in history class as a kid, all they learned about was themselves!

How do you know the hooker killed herself?

She sniffed the line off the dresser you said not to touch.

Yo mama so fat, when she fell I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

I was an orphan as a kid, but I have never had a bitch, so I asked this cheerleader to homecoming, and she said, "Mofo, you are only coming to hoco because you need a home to go to!"

Your mama is so stupid that she put a ruler under her pillow to see how long she slept.

I saw a girl crying. I asked her, "Where are your parents?" She cried as I got kicked out of the orphanage.

My teacher got so mad at me for making 9/11 jokes, she hit me twice and I said, "Damn, got hit twice!"