you
You’re mamma’s so ugly, even the toaster wouldn’t get in the bathtub with her.
You wanna know why I hate circles so much? They’re just so pointless! But I guess that’s how they roll.
Why are mountains 🏔 never serious?
Because they’re hill areas.
imagine this: u at math class. Teacher asks you “wut 11*11”. You say “120”. Teach syas “wrong!” You say “how off was I?” Teach says “1” me rn: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE WHERES THE RAGE TABLE or smth liek tht
I hate these double standards.
if you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job" if you do it at home you're "destroying evidence"
What has it
"I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"
What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
Hi this is Stephanie I was a little bit of a walk
I kicked a soccer ball at the kid in the wheelchair. Now we're playing Rocket League.
Are you suicide, cause you're always on my mind
Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not."
An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator not a lift" and "it's chips not crisps" etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted "they're schools, not shooting ranges".
What's the similarity between a broken pencil and my life? They're both pointless.
"You're da bomb!" "No, you're da bomb!"
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"
Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."
If you're ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man." I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
