Passenger jokes
A pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers. The passenger asks, "Why did you become a pilot?" The pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says, "You're afraid of heights?" "No, I'm afraid of dying alone."
Me dozing off while driving.
Everyone else on the passenger plane: September 11, 2001.
What if the ocean just raided Titanic of its people? Like instead of it flooding, it was raiding it and threatened the passengers if they told, so they just said an iceberg flooded the ship.
Have any of you guys heard the classic airplane jokes? Here's a good example...
A farmer, a doctor, and a terrorist are on a plane. An engine fails, and they are going to crash, so the pilot asks everyone to throw out some items. The farmer threw out his apple harvest, the doctor threw out medical supplies, and the terrorist, (not needing a bomb apparently) threw out his briefcase of bombs. They still crashed, and they started walking to the nearest town. They passed a boy who was running. "Why are you running?"
"My dad got hit by a shiny red object and now he's bleeding!"
They three of them decide it's best to keep quiet, and continue. They then passed a crying girl, who said that her brother had been killed by a scalpel from heaven. They said nothing and continued. Finally, they see a boy laughing so much he is in tears. They ask him, "What's so funny?"
"Grandma farted and the house blew up!"
Who read the most words?
911 passengers, they read 12 stories in 9.10 seconds.
I would like to remind all passengers that this is a no-smoking flight, although do feel free to join me in the cockpit, where we've opened a window.
Welcome onboard Sexist Airlines. Everyone, please fasten your seatbelts now as we are switching to a female pilot.
A Mexican is drunk and he has a passenger in the car, and the passenger asked, "Where are we going?"
The Mexican says, "I'm not driving, the drunk guy is."
The Titanic basically nominated all the passengers for the ice bucket challenge.
When I was on the Titanic, I got broken.
Chesley, in horror, runs out of the cockpit of the plane coming from London, "I'm so very sorry, everyone. I punched the wrong buttons, and we are heading to DC instead of New York, and we are about to run out of fuel." He opens the door and turns around to the five passengers and exclaimed, "I've parachutes but miscounted. We only got four for the passengers." He jumps off.
Donald faced the other four and orders:
"I'm the greatest leader of the world, and I'll make the decision. Tony, you go first. Our country needs you. The whole wide world needs you. Pandemic is raging."
Tony jumps off.
"Francis, my friend, you go next. Pandemic is ravaging the mind and body of millions. Their soul needs saving. Save Vladimir's and Xi's for me."
Francis jumps off.
Hillary faced Donald furiously. "Who are you to make decisions for us? I should have been president. I'm the smartest woman in the whole world in history."
Hillary jumps off.
Donald gazed at the young woman and started talking: "I'm an old man. I have already lived a full life - beautiful wives, children, just a beautiful life. Just beautiful. I've become president of the most powerful country, the most beautiful, the richest. Regrets? I've made a few but did it my way. Greta, go on. Your future is bright. I just wish I can make my country great again and have the chance to help save the world with you. I believe in second chances. Look at my bankruptcies, believe me. And I wish I've played more golf and..."
Greta interjected, "Just shut the f* up. The plane is about to crash. Let's go and save the world. The smartest woman in history took my backpack!"
I gave up my seat to blind lady because she couldn't find any--let's just say I lost my job as a bus driver.
There were three men in a car: the driver, a homeless man, and a rapper. The driver takes them to the woods and says, "I'm not really a cab driver, I'm a wanted killer." The homeless man says, "I'm not really homeless," and pulls out a chain. The rapper says, "If we're gonna be completely honest, I'm not a rapper, I'm a cop!"
Chuck Norris doesn't fly on airplanes.
Airplanes fly on Chuck Norris.
Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he will fly for the rest of his life.
Why was I angry on my plane? Because I read these stupid 9/11 jokes.
It was dinner in the plane, and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What are my choices?" the passenger said.
"Yes or no," the flight attendant replied.
A Japanese, Hispanic, and Iraqi man are in a plane. The Japanese man drops a bowl off of it and shouts "I love my country!" Then the Hispanic man drops a burrito off the side and shouts, "I love my country!" Finally, the Iraqi man drops a bomb and shouts, "I love my country!"
Not much longer on, a man walks by a boy who is sitting by a crater laughing non-stop. And the man asks, "What's so funny?" And the boy says "When I farted, my house blew up!"
The greatest doctor, smartest man, young geek, and inspiring preacher are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and is confirmed by the doctor. But, there are only 3 parachutes on the plane. The doctor takes one and says,
"People need me for my excellent medicine!" and jumps out. The smart man grabs one and shouts,
"People are in need of my great knowledge!" and jumps out. There is only one more parachute on the plane. The preacher says to the geek,
"You are too young. Take the final parachute and go." The geek instead says,
"No, there are two parachutes left, the 'smart' one took my backpack."
Wanna hear a plane joke? Nah, it'll just go over your head.