What Kind of Hardware store can't orphans go into?
Home Depot.
Paint Jokes
Two kids walked into a bar. They were covered with blood. The bartender asked what happened.
The youngest said, "Well, we were trying to paint our basement, but we threw the babies too hard!"
Wow, paint can, you have such a colorful personality!
What did the two paintings say after a long battle?
Let's call this one a draw.
What did the paintings name their daughter?
Palette.
At my most fear, I shit my pants.
Did you hear about the dead artist?
Too many strokes.
An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests.
The painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.
"But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" asks one of the guests.
"Lenin is in Poland," replies the painter.
How do you paint a wall red?
You shoot a baby with a .50 cal.
Always practice safe sex: paint an X on the sheep that kick.
If the red house is on the left, and the blue house on the right, where is the white house?
In Washington D.C.
A boat carrying red paint and a boat carrying blue paint crashed into each other. The crews were marooned.
What does it take to paint a wall red?
Kurt Cobain and his shotgun.
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”
How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw spoons at her.
One time I saw a manatee all spray painted to look like a tiger. Needless to say, the first thing I yelled was, "OH! THE HUMANATEE!"
A father and a son were painting pictures together. The son and father were drawing the exact same thing to a T, and the son said, "What happened to your hand?" looking at the scar tissue near the father's knuckle. The father replied with, "You know what happened, you were there." The son continues to deny this until they both finish their paintings. They're exactly the same.
The father passes out for a few hours and wakes up to find that there's only one painting.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
Kid starts short-coming people in school. Teacher asks, "Why are you doing that?"
He responds, "I wanted to paint the walls red for Christmas!"
Why did the snail paint a big "S" on his car?
Because he wanted people to say look at that S-car go when he rolled by.