Out jokes

A guy gets home from work to see his girlfriend packing, and he asks her why she is packing. The girl says, "Because I found out you're a pedophile." The guy goes, "A pedophile?" And she says, "Yes." The guy goes, "That's a big word for a 12-year-old."

Say what you want about Jeffrey Epstein, but at least he knew how to take out the trash.

What do you call it when you're trying to find out what someone had for lunch?

An ingestigation.

My friend dreamed of being a porno star.

He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.

The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!

When you have a box of dead babies in your garage and one of them is alive at the bottom and has to eat its way out but goes back for seconds.

I just went to India and thought, "Why do they have so many sniper hitmen?" It turns out the red dot isn't a sniper laser.

My dad came out of my step-sister's room as I came out of my step-mum's room.

"That driving backwards, it creeping me out, you're gonna wreck or something." - Lightning McQueen.

Because that is what could have saved Titanic, and it wrecked.

What did the Blonde say to the other Blonde?

They don’t know; they couldn’t figure out what to say.

I woke up one day to find handcuffs on my bed. Turns out, the girl I drugged yesterday escaped.

Q: How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?

A: You give them a Sandy Hook.

What do us emos all have in common?

Depression. Anxiety. The sole desire to just start saying you wanna kys right out of the blue a lot and saying "I CAN'T WAIT TO JUMP OF THAT BUILDING SOON!" and other people say, "Idgaf, do it, all of us would be happy."

A woman walks out of the bathroom, winks at her husband and says, “I shaved down there; you know what that means.”

The husband responds, “Yeah, the drain is clogged.”

Somewhere out there, a tree is tirelessly producing oxygen for BLESSEDBRIAN. I think he owes it an apology.

Why did the rapper take the bus to the studio?

Because their car ran out of RHYME.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great thing to say to someone; horrible way to find out you're adopted.

Your mama is so fat, by the time I swerved to miss her with the car, I ran out of gas.

We are coming out with a Whopper that is similar to a priest because it also has its meat between 5-year-old buns.

You're so ugly that when you were born, the doctor threw you out the window, and the window threw you back.

Mummy, how was I born?

Mummy replied, "Well, your father and I got married, and soon I became fat and you came out, and then in, out, in, out, and after you did that a million times, you were born."