Off jokes
Where did Sally go when the bomb went off? - Everywhere.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.
How do you get 4 gay guys on a bar stool? You turn it upside down.
How do you get them back off again? You jerk them off.
A pirate walked into a bar with his ship's steering wheel hanging off his pants. The bartender says, "Hey! What's with the steering wheel?" The pirate says, "I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"
What happened to the fly on the toilet seat?
It got pissed off.
Memes
Why did Billy fall off his bike?
Because his dad threw a chair at him.
What's the difference between a priest and a rabbi? The rabbi cuts it off, and the priest sucks it off.
What did the Mexican man say when his house fell on him?
"Get off me homes."
A boy and a girl are showering together. The girl looks down and says to the boy, "Hey, can I touch it?" The boy replies, "Oh hell nah. You already ripped yours off."
OTHERS (MOTIVATED): If I had FLYING as a SUPERPOWER, FALLING would be the BEGINNING STAGE.
ME (DEPRESSED): OK, GOOD IDEA! LETS FALL OFF THE CLIFF AND FLY TO HEAVEN!!
I am the Lorax. I speak for trees. I have the high ground, and I will cut off your knees.
A man was in a courtroom. The judge said, "What should this man's punishment be?"
A random guy yelled, "Off with his head!"
The judge said, "He shall give head to every man in this room."
The guy yelled, "Wait, that's not what I said!"
What do a coin and an Irish man have in common?
They're both fun to flip off.
I'm gonna jump to my death.
Don't worry. I won't jump far.
Just off this chair here...
Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.
Q: Do you know why transgender people are good at being carpenters?
A: Because they have more experience cutting off their wood.
The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.
What do you call it when a drunk cowgirl falls off her stool at the bar?
A hoedown.
I parked in a disabled space today...
...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”
I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.