Off jokes

Why can't a kid with ADHD shoot a gun?

Their focus is always off.

A pirate walked into a bar with his ship's steering wheel hanging off his pants. The bartender says, "Hey! What's with the steering wheel?" The pirate says, "I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"

What happened to the fly on the toilet seat?

It got pissed off.

What's the difference between a priest and a rabbi? The rabbi cuts it off, and the priest sucks it off.

What did the Mexican man say when his house fell on him?

"Get off me homes."

How do you get 4 gay guys on a bar stool? You turn it upside down.

How do you get them back off again? You jerk them off.

OTHERS (MOTIVATED): If I had FLYING as a SUPERPOWER, FALLING would be the BEGINNING STAGE.

ME (DEPRESSED): OK, GOOD IDEA! LETS FALL OFF THE CLIFF AND FLY TO HEAVEN!!

I am the Lorax. I speak for trees. I have the high ground, and I will cut off your knees.

A man was in a courtroom. The judge said, "What should this man's punishment be?"

A random guy yelled, "Off with his head!"

The judge said, "He shall give head to every man in this room."

The guy yelled, "Wait, that's not what I said!"

I'm gonna jump to my death.

Don't worry. I won't jump far.

Just off this chair here...

Why did Billy fall off his bike?

Because his dad threw a chair at him.

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

Fortnite is just like high school. You get off the bus and start shooting everybody.

The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.

I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.

What do you call it when a drunk cowgirl falls off her stool at the bar?

A hoedown.

Q: Do you know why transgender people are good at being carpenters?

A: Because they have more experience cutting off their wood.

What do a coin and an Irish man have in common?

They're both fun to flip off.

A guy is sitting at a bar when a drunk man walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk man comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The guy sitting looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk man walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what? Go home Dad!"

What happened when your parents dropped you off at the orphanage? They got sued for littering.