Now jokes

My mom was poor, so we had nothing to eat. I slept on the floor, but now I'm rich, rich, rich 😜

So, I am an emo dude, so I sit in the back of the class, and I talk to no one.

But one day this dude came up to me and tried to talk to me, so I just ignored him. Then he got really pissed off and said, "I'm gonna kill you." I was like, "You're gonna kill me just because I ignored you? Is your ego that big, wow?" He left. Then the next day he brought his goons with him and said, "Now you're dead." I ignored him again, and he said, "You will pay for this."

So the following day after school I was walking down the street back to my house. Then he and his goons tried to attack me, but then they died, so I kept on walking. I had some rope traps set.

This was the best day of my life.

This is why you never mess with emos. We have ropes everywhere.

Once I threw the ball at a wheelchair kid. Now we are playing Rocket League! :D

There was an emo kid in their room, boom, they're all gone, now.

Oh, you're jealous now.

I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.

Wood fired pizza?

How's pizza gonna pay child support now?! :O

Please drop a like.

I masturbated by accident. I read the wrong thing And tested its factuality.

Well, it's been some good years now, haven't they? Being your own partner has never felt so together.

Twinkle, twinkle, there’s a car Coming like a shooting star.

I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.

I got shot once. Now I'm holey.

Where are you right now?

Looking at a fake joke? You are a waste of time and space.

Last week, I made a joke about leftists. Now it is time for me to take shots at the right, and then I will move on to centrists. But I just said the same thing twice.

I bought my son an Xbox in 2017. It’s now 2018, and I’m still waiting for him to open it.

A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."

I scanned an emo girl's arm the other day. Now I own her, only 3.99 with tax. That's a steal and a half, woopeeee!

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. Their names were Johony and Papa.

All of the sudden, Johony passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies “My son just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”

I ate the last of my Egyptian food, and now I falafel. I don't know why I made that joke. Probably just becuscus.

If Charlie Kirk were a 5-year-old schoolkid being murdered, America would have moved on by now.

From now on, we’re gonna call shitting the bed an “Amber Alert.”

"Come on now, gay jokes aren't funny."