Night jokes

Orphan: What are you doing tonight?

Me: Your mum... oh wait, you don't have one.

I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."

A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden Bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn, comes in to take a piss. The man can't help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised at how well endowed he is, and he asks: "Bubba, what's your secret?"

Bubba replies: "Well, every night before I get in bed with a woman I whack my dick on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The man was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night, before he went to bed with his wife. So he got to bed and whacked his dick on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes up and says "Bubba, is that you?"

By day I like girls, by night I like boys, but you, I wouldn’t like you at dusk or dawn.

*walks into a comedy night club* Owner: "You're doing standup tonight, right?" Noob Joker (you): "Yes, I am!" Owner: "Get onto the stage." Me: *walks up stage* Owner: "This is the standup comedian noobpro." Me: "Hey guys, how about some Donald Trump?" Crowd: *RUNS*

What did one candle say to the other?

"Want to go out tonight?"

I met a gay guy last night.

Man, was he a pain in the ass.

My Crandall just be smashing more than you ON DA GIRLS, and he was slapping your girl last night harder than WILL at the OSCARS! ;)

Me in the middle of the night boiling water.

Me talking to my brother: How do you make holy water?

My brother: How?

Me: You boil the hell out of it.

Where was your mom last night? In the man club?

A man asked his girlfriend what she wanted to eat one night, and she said "Chinese food," so he took her to China. The next night, he asked her again. She said, "Indian," so he took her to India. The next night, he asked her again. She said, "Nothin'," so he took her to Africa.

My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.

I ate Taco Bell last night. I pooped out your hairline.

I know what you did with your mom last night, the orphan. Nah, jit trippin', you thought I had one?

My mom and dad got home from a party pretty late. Why do I know? Because I was playing Minecraft all night.

Anyways, they get home and start fumbling up the stairs and being really loud. I could have swore I heard them fall down. I assumed they were drunk. I was just playing my Switch when they come into my room. Now I'm about 10 at the time so I watch them get undressed IN MY FUCKING BED! I then just stare at them as they notice me before I witness anything. They say that they were doing "intense kissing" the next morning. I believed that at the time, but now I've been to health class. I now know the truth. I wish I hadn't.

In Africa, it doesn't matter if you're gay, straight, or bisexual.

At the end of the day, it's night.

When I was 11, my mom came home from the bar super drunk that night, and I just wanted to know if they knew where the cat was because I heard a noise. We had a loooooooong talk the next morning.

One day Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking a cigar. Johnny said, "Can I have a puff?"

Grandpa said, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

Johnny said, "No, then that's your answer."

Later that day, Johnny saw his grandpa drinking a drink. Johnny said, "Can I have a sip?"

Grandpa said the same thing, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

Johnny said, "No, then that's your answer."

Later that night, Johnny was eating some cookies in the kitchen. Grandpa said, "Hi son, can I have a cookie?"

Johnny said, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

Grandpa said, "Yes."

Johnny said, "Good, go fuck yourself!"

I was playing Warzone last night, and I shot my teammate that said they were emo. When I shot him, another player did, and it said "assist kill."

I was going to make alligator last night, but I noticed that I only had a crock pot.😅