Roses are red, violets are blue, I pray God I'm not so ugly as you.
Period: Guess who’s back... back again...
Me: Ugh, can we not do this today?
Period: I can come back in 9 months?
Me: Keep fucking singing.
A hobo couple is making out under a bridge.
The girlfriend goes: - Johnny, why is your dick so soft? - Flip me over, I’m trying to shit!
- Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.
- Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.
- Oh...that might actually be even easier.
What does a blind man and your dick have in common?
They both can’t get up without a dog.
If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are probably built upside down.
Your mother is so fat, she actually went on a diet and started exercising, and I hear she's doing quite well now.
Good Morning, Sleepy-Head!
Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.
Friend: Like what?
Me: My name, my address, my phone number...
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?
Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they all beat the room for being black.
Hardest part about being a paedophile?
Fitting in.
Did you know pigeons die after sex?
Well, at least the one I fucked did.
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?
A microtransaction.
I used to work for a company called 69. My friend took over my position.
Did you hear about the man who died of a Viagra overdose?
They couldn't close the casket.
My birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
If per capita is an issue, decapita can be arranged.
Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.
Me: What? Am I dying?
Doctor: No, your wife is.
Despite my devilish attitude, I have the heart of a small boy.
I keep it in a jar on my desk.
