New Mental Health Jokes

Political correctness has gone too far! You have to say "cognitive decline" rather than "Alzheimer's ridden shitbag"!

Looking in the mirror, I don’t need a therapist, god damn, I wanna be a terrorist.

What's the hardest thing when working with the severely mentally handicapped?

My dick.

Government Briefing:

Joe Biden had a meeting with the cabinet today...

...He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.

A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.

It’s called Trycoxagain.

Guys, should I do it? You know what I mean.

It’s OK if emo kids always hang from the trees, but if we do it, it’s considered against the law.

What is better to have, autism, Down syndrome, or ADHD?

My boyfriend always likes when I wear my fishnet sleeves. He says it looks great on me, but he doesn’t know that my skin is covered with scars... no one does. No one questions why I wear them everyday. I hope it stays like that because I can’t deal with my mom finding out that I still hurt myself.

Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.

What do us emos all have in common?

Depression. Anxiety. The sole desire to just start saying you wanna kys right out of the blue a lot and saying "I CAN'T WAIT TO JUMP OF THAT BUILDING SOON!" and other people say, "Idgaf, do it, all of us would be happy."

SLADE is proof that mental aging can go in REVERSE.

Don't do suicide shit. Nearly killed me, tbh. 🙏🙏🙏🙏

Guys, I promise I’m not suicidal, I just like dark things.

*proceeds to walk around the house with headphones in and stare at the ceiling while laying down on the couch*

Normally the reason you don't get a knife when you ask for one is because the person you asked is emo.

How do you win an argument against an emo kid?

Give him a gun, he'll just shoot himself.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"