Market jokes

What's the difference between 911 and the stock market in the 1930's?

Nothing, they both crashed.

Your balls are so big, when people see you at the market, they think it's watermelon.

I went to the super market one day and I saw a Caesar salad for 69 dollars. Next minute someone comes up to me and says, "Caesar deez nutz!"

When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."

Me: I just came home from Africa, and guess what I saw.

Friend: I don't know.

Me: A black market.

Why do orphans go to the market?

To get the milk their parents didn't bring back.

How is the business in Ukraine? It's booming.

Yo mama's so fat, when she skips a meal, the stock market drops.

So, a man walks past a gun store and sees all the guns are half price. Then the man says, "Wow, school supplies are low this week."

Why are there adoption centers? Because it's a market for pedophiles.

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."

Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

So this blind man was walking down the street with his stick, right? And he walked past this fish market, he took a deep breath and said, "WWOAAH GOODMORNING LADIES!"

Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"

She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"

"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."

Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."

What does the blind man say when walking past the fish market?

“Good evening, ladies.”

It's embarrassing when there is no toilet paper and you need to go and get one with your pants down. Luckily, the supermarket is just around the corner.

One little orphan had roast beef, the other had none.

One little orphan went to market, the other stayed home. Wait a second.

I saw a disabled person in the super market. They were at the vegetable aisle.

Where do sheep go to shop?

Woolmart.

I was walking down the street when I thought I smelled my ex's perfume. Turns out, I was standing in front of a fish market.

I'm a big fan of white boards; they're remarkable.