Luckily jokes

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

I almost got caught watching porn. My mom got the bill for the account, but luckily dad had my back. I mean, we do use the same account.

My grandfather said we rely on technology too much, so I unplugged his life support. Luckily, I remember his last words: "You little bastard!"

The cops are still searching for my wife's killer. Luckily, I already fled the country.

I was exploring a haunted mansion when I encountered a ghost named Pristiano Penaldo. He asked if I supported Burnley as he wanted to statpad against me. Luckily, I pulled out my trusty Liverpool shirt, and he disappeared. Shame on you, Penaldo.

Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"

It's embarrassing when there is no toilet paper and you need to go and get one with your pants down. Luckily, the supermarket is just around the corner.

You know, I got a SKELETON of these jokes. All are HUMERUS. Yeah, this gets under people’s SKIN, but I guess you could call their FUNNY BONE BROKEN! People try and hit me when this happens, luckily, I got THICK SKIN! Yeah, thanks for listening. Hope you got these puns down TO THE BONE!

My mother caught me jerking off and she told me to leave it out. I didn't know what she was doing but she grabbed my cock and started sucking. Then I found out on porn she was doing deep throat.

A couple of weeks later my dad caught me jerking off, I thought he would deep throat, but he just walked up to me and slapped my boner. I cried for 5 hours. Luckily my mum gave me a sloppy joe afterwards.

Luckily for you, mirrors can't talk, and luckily for you, they can't laugh either.

The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.

I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly, a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs.

Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

Me: "I came home laughing."

Parents: "What's wrong?"

Me: "The teacher asked everyone a question. Luckily, I was the only one who knew."

Parents: "Good for you, Johnny. What was the fantastic question your teacher gave everyone and only you knew?"

Me: "Well, it's kinda complicated, but here it goes."

Parents: "What is it?"

Me: "Who farted?"

Got kidnapped in Iran. Luckily, I ran.

Luckily, his funeral was a closed casket, sorry, his car blew a gasket.

There was this intern that worked at an orphanage, and she burnt it down. Luckily, she doesn't have to tell her parents.

I've heard stories of my mother. She was a teenager and left me in the blender, but luckily the power cut out, like at the orphanage.

What happened when the fire used Tinder?

He luckily got a lot of matches.

I was at a supermarket in Barcelona and I noticed the alarm had gone off. There was a thief at the store; the tea bag section had been ransacked.

Luckily they found the thief, Pionel Pessi, with boxes of his favourite tea, Penaltea. Shame on you, Pessi!