Know jokes
One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.
How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?
Do you know that “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing?
Except at a funeral.
If you don’t know the difference between their, there, and they’re, then you're an idiot.
Marriage is really educational.
When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.
Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"
Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."
Memes
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where home is.
Yo mama so fat, the only letters that she knows are KFC.
How do you know if you’ve walked into a sex addicts' counselling session?
The psychologist will thank you for coming.
Do you know why dinosaurs can't eat hyenas?
Because they're dead! The last thing they ate was some rock.
What is the easiest way to get into a busy hospital? Try to commit suicide.
(YES I KNOW I SPELLED SCUCIDE WRONG)
I saw two really tall guys. I walked up and said, "I didn't know we still have the Twin Towers!"
Do you know what the F in orphan is for...
Family.
What's the similarities between anonymous and a cow? I think you know...
You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping?
With a taste test.
The term "every 60 seconds" is so stupid.
You know Africans don’t get seconds.
I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.
It takes a lot of trust for two cannibals to gluck gluck each other. You never know when it's goodbye willy.
Karen walks into McDonald's.
Lady at the counter: HI what can I get for you today??
Karen: I want 1 SMALL FRIES PLEASE AND MAKE IT SNAPPY LITTLE NOODLE!
Lady at the counter: yes miss.
Karen: I WILL NOW INSPECT THIS.
Lady at the counter: *sweats*
Karen: THIS IS NOT SALTY ENOUGHT! GET ME THE MANAGER KNOW, SKINY NOODLE!
Did you know Yao Ming has the biggest penis in Chinese history? It measured in at nearly 5 inches!