Kids jokes

- All over it like a fat kid on a cupcake.

- Giggling like a room full of fat kids.

- Drinking 8 cups of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers and 3 shots in 3 hours goes down like a fat kid on a seesaw.

Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!

A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.

What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.

What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.

  • 2

    • So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"

    So, my kid took my car. He crashed it off a bridge. I miss it, but it's going to have my car.

    I always wanted to go to the store as a kid because I always wanted to look for my dad that went to go get the milk, but I could never find him.

    So I'm the cable guy around the neighborhood, and I do everybody's cable. So I walked into this one house, and I noticed a little kid and the mom was upstairs. I was asking where her mom was, and she wasn't answering, and it looked like something was wrong, so I asked if anything was wrong. She didn't answer, so I kind of raised my voice at her, but she still didn't answer, and then I realized the hearing aid in her ear.

    What's got 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

    What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

    People call me a bad person, but just the other day I saw a little kid crying and asked him where were his parents. I love working at the orphanage.

    What's the difference between oxygen and children? I don't have oxygen in my basement.

  • 1

    • I got my orphan kid a phone. She was pressing the home button, but it didn't work.

    Two boys were playing cards on a picnic table outside the school. Both of the boys had revolvers hidden in their waistband.

    Now, one of the boys was a notorious cheater, who liked to hide his cards in his waistband. Recess was just about to end, when all the kids heard a loud bang erupt from the picnic table. In tears, the card player admitted that he had shot the other card player, stating "I played a King, and he started reaching for his waistband!"

    Kid: Dad, where are you going?

    Dad: To get milk.

    TEN YEARS LATER

    Kid's friend: Where's your dad?

    Kid: He went to get milk but never came back.

  • 2

    • Why did the pedo stop to help the little kids cross the street?

    To get them in his van.

    If an apple and an emo kid fell out of a tree, which would hit the ground first?

    The apple, because the rope caught the emo kid.

    Two kids were beating up a ginger kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.