Home jokes

Me: What do you want to do for your birthday?

Fiancé: I want to go somewhere I've never been before!

Me: Well welcome to the Kitchen!

Why can’t orphans play baseball?

Because they don’t know where home is.

Teacher makes 1 kid recite the ABCs and the other count to 10.

Teacher: You can kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

Little Johnny goes home and throws a rock at two birds. One dies. He gives his dad a concussion from the rock hitting his head.

Johnny at school: You can kill a bird and give a man a concussion.

I walked up to a cat and started to sing a song. The cat said, "HECK NO!" then ran off. I follow it while still singing "BABY COME HOME TO ME!!"

I slept like a log last night... woke up in the fireplace.

What is an orphan's favorite store? Home Depot.

This homeless lady called me ugly, so I told her, "Okay, then I'm going home."

Trump and two of his friends are stranded on an island with no internet connection and no way of getting home.

As they frantically run around the island trying to get a signal so Trump can call his private helicopter to come and pick them up, Trump's wig falls off and lands on a magical lamp, from which suddenly appears a genie.

As Trump replaces his wig, the genie announces that he will grant each man one wish for freeing him. The men stop to confer. The first one says he will wish for a plane to rescue him, the second wishes for a boat to rescue him, and they tell Trump to wish for a helicopter to rescue him.

Trump, being Trump, nods and says yes, but he wasn't really listening. Then they approach the genie. The first one of Trump's friends wishes for a plane to rescue him, as agreed. The second one of Trump's friends wishes for a boat to rescue him, as agreed. Then Trump is left all alone, but instead of wishing for a helicopter to rescue him, as agreed, he says, "Aww, I'm lonely now. I wish both my friends were here with me!"

I was at the club and then my dad walked up and said, "You're 15, why are you high and at the club?" So I ran. Then my uncle was at the car and took me home, so I was grounded. Then my boyfriend came because my parents went out and we had sex and we were very loud. My dad came home and walked in. He had my boyfriend pin me against the wall so my dad could spank me.

What story does an orphan always get kicked out of? Home Depot.

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."

People shouldn’t be afraid during a zombie apocalypse.

They can stay in their living room.

How come yo mama did not come straight home from work last night? Because her daughter had sex with her boyfriend and got drunk.

Why couldn’t the orphan run away from home?

Because it didn’t have one.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

I hate it when people are at my house and ask, "Do you have a bathroom?" What answer are they expecting? "No, we pee in the yard?"

I love it when your parents come round for Christmas. I just wish we couldn't hear them through the ceiling.

Me: What do we need from there? I have a few things to do before I head out to the store, and then I will be home to pick up the stuff.

Random person: What stuff? 🤨

Me: What?

The person: You said you’re going to pick up “the stuff”!!! What do you mean by that?!

Me: Colourful flamingo fart.

"Harry Hicks smells of home. Homo is an infection, and infections are made up of atoms."

So I was at home, and I went to take a shower, and I accidentally walked in on my brother having sex with some girl. So I left. A couple minutes later, I needed my headphones to listen to music, so I asked my mom where she was. She told me she was in the shower. Our house only has one bathroom. Sweet home Alabama.