HI jokes

One day a man buys a rope to commit suicide, but his friend stops him.

They go to a school with lots of happy kids. The guy feels better after a mag.

My mom gave my friend a blow job for good luck on his job interview, then my mom gave my other friend a blow job for his interview, and they both got the job. Now who needs good luck? Just ask my mom. My mom is a good luck charm.

So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network.

The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can't cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can't f*ck."

I don’t know why people don’t say "Cobain," because I’m pretty sure Kurt Cobain didn’t miss his last shot like Kobe did.

Jack and Jill went up the hill.

Jack fell down, his ass was bound, and Jill continued up the hill.

Jack came back and beat Jill's back, and he got the ultimate kill.

Have you ever heard of the Russian politician who was so afraid of the dark that, instead of going to the bathroom at night, he would use a metal tin that he kept underneath his bed?

His name is Vladimir Pootin.

A father came to his daughter's 18th birthday. He finally came.

Why did the Drill Sergeant get in trouble?

He got caught playing with his Privates!

Why did the orphan cross the road?

He thought he saw his parents.

Oasis, am I right?

Yo mama is so strict that Thanos couldn't collect the Infinity Stones until he had done his homework.

Go to an orphanage and tell a kid his parents came back.

I asked an orphan where his mom was. He started crying, so I said it again.

And well, that was my last day at the orphanage.

What does an Irish bowler put in his hands to guarantee a wicket next ball?

A bat.

His new music video has been leaked. It’s called “Living in a Tree.”

How did the orphan go to school?

Not by his parents.

Why did the orphan start crying?

Because his apple found a home in his stomach.

Why does Joe only have 264 days in his calendar?

Because he can't celebrate Father's Day.

Guys, the person that said "suck a dick" was Mase. His real name is Mason, so ya.

"I work with animals," a man said on his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who works with animals. Where do you work?" "At the butcher shop!"

Some people say I'm rude, but I think I'm pretty nice because the other day I saw this kid crying on the road and I asked him where his parents were. I just love looking at an orphanage.