HI jokes
So recently I hit an orphan with a 2x4, and he started crying. What's he gonna do? Tell his family? XD
Teddy’s got a man in his Fanny.
"I work with animals," a guy says to his date.
"That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?"
"I'm a butcher," he replies.
It’s amazing just how paranoid Hitler was.
In Hitler’s Germany, it was illegal to make jokes about him or his regime.
Come on! Forbidding Germans from making jokes? Isn’t that a bit like forbidding Americans from eating salad?
How did a man know his wife died?
Dishis start piling up.
Memes
A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."
Once my twin brother died from a plane crash. His last words were, "If it's a bomb, I'll give it a 9/11."
Why did the kid cross the road?
He wasn't wearing his seatbelt.
Imagine a white van. Now imagine a white guy in the driver seat with a sombrero on and his arm out the window, and on the side of the van it says "Free Candy." But there's blood all over the van and a dead clown in the back.
Why did the orphan get an iPhone X for his birthday?
Because the iPhone X doesn't have a home button.
Why did the dwarf laugh when he walked on the field?
The grass was tickling his balls.
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”
How can you tell your best friend is gay?
His meat tastes like shit.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”
“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught on fire.
Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.
What did the man say in the morning after beating up his wife?
"I woke up Chris Breezy."
I wonder if Kobe Bryant enjoyed his last flight.
Do you think John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head because his wife said he was close-minded?