Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?
Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.
A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.
The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"
Yo mama's so ugly that Sonic needed to go fast to get away from her face.
Yo mama so fat that the US (Mexico) and North Korea (South Korea) got into a war fighting over who gets to use her as their border wall.
I gave helen keller an oculus and airpods for her 12th birthday and she hated them and me.
My crush rejected me 2 years ago, and I still have never moved on. I'll be over her when a train is over me.
Yo mama's so poor that when I was walking down the street, I saw her kicking the trash can and I asked "what are you doing" and she said "I'm moving"
Yo mama so ugly, when she went to an ugly contest, they told her, "No pros allowed."
The first child, Daisy, asks her mother why she is named Daisy. The mother said, "That's because a daisy fell on your head when you were born."
The second child, Raindrop, asked why he is named Raindrop, and the mother said, "That's because a drop of rain fell on your head when you were born."
Then the third child, Cinderblock, said, "fxg,kxf dsdsvtg,hjer,btjh,rbtsvikvsdtxde43f."
Helen Keller: *Gets knocked to the floor*
Helen Keller (in her head): "Wow, I didn't see that coming!"
A wife was cleaning her 12-year-old son’s bedroom when she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asked her husband, “What do we do?”
The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”
Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.
She won't talk to me anymore.
Why didn’t the grape 🍇 leave her family?
Because she loved raisin kids
I broke up with my girlfriend and stole her wheelchair
Guess who likes vegetables now?
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
Putting her back in the wheelchair when you're done.
How do you give an "Alabama Girl" a nice compliment?
Answer; You say to her, "Hey, NICE TOOTH"
Stacy: Honey, I'm kinda new to texting, what does lol mean?
Justin: I'm not sure, "lots of love," I guess.
Margaret: Stacy, are you there? I don't know if you heard, but Amber and her three kids were killed in a car crash this morning. I'm in total shock!
Stacy: lol
Why did the blonde have sex with the Mexican? Because her teacher told her she had to do an essay
Your mom is so fat that the photographer had to go to the moon just to click the photo of her belly button.
"Hola, soy Dora. Do you see the cliff? Say, "backpack." Tell her that we need Amanda. While I push her off the cliff, you will not peek. Did you just peek? Close your eyes, you silly goose." The end.
