Have jokes

Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

What does food and dark humour have in common?

Not everybody gets it.

Little Johnny was staying at his grandparents' house, and he asked his grandpa, "Can I have a cigarette?" His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "No." "Then that's your answer." A little bit later, Little Johnny asked for a beer. His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "I already said no." "Well, that's your answer." Later, he was complaining to his grandma, and she gave him cookies. His grandpa came up to him and said, "Can I have a cookie?" Little Johnny said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" His grandpa said, "Well, yes, it can." And Little Johnny said, "Well, go fuck yourself, old man, because these are my cookies."

A project manager, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip through the mountains. As they're going down a pass, the brakes suddenly fail. The car goes off the road and crashes down into the valley. A bit dazed, the three of them get out.

The project manager says, "Well, the best thing to do is to have a meeting and assess the situation."

The mechanical engineer replies, "Nonsense, I have my pocketknife, I'll fix the brakes with that."

Then the computer scientist comes along and says, "Why make it so complicated? Let's push the car back up the road, get in, and see if it happens again."

What turns a girl on more than having sex with her?

When she finds out that you have a vibrator too.

What do pedophiles and Sandy Hook have in common?

Shooting up schoolchildren.

Sorry, I don't have a joke here... Just wondering how idiots end up here complaining about offensive jokes when you ended up here. You had to click that section on purpose, right? If you can't take it, piss the fuck off... If I'd be gay and I'd look up gay jokes and get offended... how stupid is that?

I have a friend who has no arms, her name is Suzy. I always tell her this one knock knock joke, "Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" Not Suzy.

Have you heard about the movie "Constipation"?

No, because it never came out...

Orphan: "I want to be a superhero."

Me: "You should be Batman."

Also me: *starts laughing* because Batman doesn't have parents...

Q: What does Abraham Lincoln have in common with a poor quality pirated movie?

A: They were both shot in a theater.

Have you heard about the pedophile who was guilty of robbery?

He took a girl's innocence.

By the law, you are not allowed to have a sick bird. That's ill-eagle.

What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can’t be found.

Why can't an orphan be gay? They have no one to call "daddy."

I used to have a goldfish which breakdanced on the floor. But only for like twenty seconds.

I have a friend whose birthday is on September 11th.

They're going to have an explosive party that will definitely blow you away!

It's gonna be the bomb, and a blast, too!

Why can't an orphan have sex?

Because they can't scream "daddy!"

Depressed people have beautiful smiles. Okay, it's not a joke for normal people, but it's a joke for us.

Two blondes walk into a bar. I thought one of them would have seen it.