Guys jokes

Sex worker

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”

Depression

Did you hear of the guy who was sad about being in a wheelchair? He had that crippling depression.

Rape

I saw a guy raping a girl in the park, so I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance against the two of us.

Memes

Mom

What do you call it if your mom is a guy and your dad is a woman?

Transparent.

Orphan

Guys, we need to stop making jokes about orphans. Their parents might get upset. Oh, wait... never mind.

Death

Other girls want a guy who is 6ft, but does me being 6ft under count?

Age

"I met a girl and she's 28."

"Now I'm the coolest guy in all of 8th grade."

- AJR

Dick

Guy: shows girlfriend his dick.

Girlfriend: "Cool, where is it?"

Plane

A guy was in one of the Twin Towers and he ordered pepperoni pizza, but he didn't get it. He got a plane instead.

People

I wish that people would stop mailing jokes about Kobe Bryant. Guys, all they do is crash and burn!

Guy

A guy and girl had a sex poem competition.

Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."

Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

Tool

Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.

Rocket League

I was playing football and this guy comes to me, he was in a wheelchair.

We started playing rocket league.

Lightbulb

How many white guys does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None. They hire me to do it.

Printer

I was in a library and a black guy came up to me.

"Where's the coloured printer?" he said.

"Mate, it's 2025, you can use any printer you want," I replied.

Cheese grater

About the guy who gave Stevie Wonder a cheese grater...

He thought it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

Superman

A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.

The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”