Yo Mama So Short That When She plays mini golf its just called golf
Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?" "In case they get a hole in one!
I like my women how I like my golf score. Low in the 80s and with a handicap.
Why can’t you take an Asian guy golfing? Because you can’t drive Every time he does, he tries to put a hole-in-one
why does micheal jackson like to play golf?
He likes to hit small white balls
My friend is so short, whenever I dance with her, it’s like dancing with a golf tee.
Donald Trump was golfing with Barack Obama. The Donald said, "Listen Barack, I'm getting older and I'm having trouble sexually satisfying my young wife. I know that you black guys are supposed to be magic in bed. Can you give me a few pointers?" Barack gave Donald a few ideas and that night Donald made love to his wife. He did everything he was told. He started out slowly entering his wife gently then finished hard. Melania came quickly screaming. "Oh Donald, You fuck just like Barack Obama."
A man is meeting a client in Japan, yet arrives a day early. When night hit he went out with a prostitute. They're having sex, yet the prostitute kept shouting "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!", so the man thinks he doing a good job. The next day, the man meets his client and they go golfing and the client gets a hole in one. The man praises him by going "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!". His client turns around confused and says "What do you mean wrong hole!?"
One day, a preist and a nun went to play golf together. In the first shot, the preist missed his shot and said “Fuck I missed it.” The nun replied “Hey you should not curse.” In the second shot, the preist missed his shot again and said “Fuck I missed again.” The nun replied “Hey stop swearing, or else god will punish you.” In the next shot, the preist missed once again. He shouted “Fuck this, this game is bullshit.” The nun replied “Enough! God is definitely going to punish you anytime.” Suddenly, a thunderbolt stroke the nun and killed her, the clouds separated from the sky and there was a voice in the sky saying “Oh fuck I missed.”
Why did the chef cook his eggs on the golf course? Because he wanted them par-boiled!
Why can't orphans play golf? Because they can't find home.
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders. As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
Other jokes:
1. Why did the ketchup blush? He saw the salad dressing.
2. What did the elephant ask the naked man? How do you breathe out of that thing?
3. How do you make your husband scream during sex? Call him and let him hear it.
4. Why does the mermaid wear seashells? She outgrew her b-shells!
5. How is life like toilet paper? You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.
6. What does one boob say to the other boob? If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.
7. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A man will actually search for a golf ball.
8. What did Cinderella do when she arrived at the ball? She gagged.
Chesley, in horror, runs out of the cockpit of the plane coming from London, "I'm so very sorry everyone, I punch the wrong buttons and we are heading to DC instead of New York and we are about to run out of fuel. He opens the door and turns around to the five passengers and exclaimed, "I've parachutes but miscounted. We only got four for the passengers." He jumps off.
Donald faced the other four and orders:
"I'm the greatest leader of the world and I'll make the decision. Tony you go first, our country needs you. The whole wide world needs you. Pandemic is raging." Tony jumps off.
Francis,my friend, you go next, pandemic is ravaging the mind and body of millions. Their soul needs saving. Save Vladimir's and Xi's for me." Francis jumps off.
Hillary faced faced Donald furiously. "Who are you to make decisions for us? I should have been president. I'm the smartest woman in the whole world in history." Hillary jumps off.
Donald gazed at the young woman and started talking: "I'm an old man. I have already lived a full life - beautiful wives, children just a beautiful life. Just beautiful. I've become president of the most powerful country, the most beautiful, the richest. Regrets? I've made a few but did it my way. Greta, go on. Your future is bright. I just wish I can make my country great again and have the chance to help save the world with you. I believe in second chances. Look at my bankruptcies, believe me. And I wish I've played more golf and ......"
Greta interrjected, "Just shut the f* up. The plane is about to crash. Let's go and save the world. The smartest woman in history took my backpack!"
Did you hear about the gay guy who got kicked off the golf course?
He was playing with too many strokes
A cop saw an old lady carring two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash. "How did you get all this?" asked the cop. "Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grapped by hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that nobody pees in my yard ever again." The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?" She said, "Not everybody paid."
What do you call the 10th hole on a military golf course?
10-Putt!
In response to a buddy saying they joined a golf club:
“Jfc ****, you’ve gone softer than your old man’s dick after your mom suggests a romantic night in! I swear to god you’re so fucking bougie.” (Pause) “Oh I forgot to tell you, while you were gone I got a weird call for you... Some Jeff guy? Said something about a loan...” “Jeff who?” “Bezos.”
A profession golfer driving his Porsche picked up an Irish girl hitchhiker. He had his golfing gear on the back seat. The Irish girl picked up something and asked, "What are these?" "Those are tees," he said. "I rest my balls on them when I drive." "Wow!" said the girl. "What will those car makers think of next!"
