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Your soul is black. I have 4 guns, little kid. Get in the van before I shoot you!

I was at school with friends. One of my friends had hair in her armpits. The rest of my friends and I tried not to laugh or say anything, until one of my friends laughed and told her she had hair in her armpits, so she ran to her locker to get hair remover and went to one of the restroom stalls.

My girlfriend is so fat that when she runs or walks, she falls, so I am breaking up with you.

🙍🏼‍♀️Fat girlfriend: Nooo, don’t leave me, catch me, ahhh!

🙇🏼‍♀️Fat girlfriend falls on boyfriend: Ahhhhhh *dump*

🙇🏼‍♀️🙇🏼Fat girlfriend and boyfriend: Fat girlfriend: U didn’t catch me wawawawa. Boyfriend: Get off me, 900 pounds, ugh, I hate u!

Story done. Please like.

My wife is pregnant, but when we get to the doctors, something happened...

What happened?

Answer: The husband is pregnant too, with someone else’s baby, not the wife’s baby, but the wife is pregnant with his baby.

Q: When a chip gets popped, what happens to it?

A: It gets pooped out of the bag.

I went to a store to get milk, but when I got home, there were a million cows waiting for milk, so they killed me.

Yo, dad went to get milk and still hasn't came back 10 years later!

Why did the lonely fish get a detention? Because he left the school.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

Frostbite.

I always ask gay people what LGBTQ means, but I never get a straight answer.

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly."

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

Why do gay people like sports?

Because they get to play with balls.

If you get a new bed, you have more bedroom, but less bedroom.

Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?

For fingering the minor.

What does a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

Jimmy: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Joe: Why?

Jimmy: To get to the idiot’s house.

Jimmy: Knock knock.

Joe: Who’s there?

Jimmy: It’s the chicken.

What do you get if a disabled person falls off a building? Mashed potatoes.

I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.

Yo momma's so fat, when she gets in a monster truck, it turns into a lowrider.