Friends jokes

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence." Anybody relate?

I posted up on my story that I got a new cut. My friends and family called the cops...

I used to be emo.

The school shooter: "I finally found you worthless crybabies!!"

The Quiet Kid: "How are a bag of chips and a mac11 the same?"

The school shooter: "I don't know."

The Quiet kid: "When you pull them out everybody wants to be your friend."

Why didn't the orphan play video games with his friends?

Because his parents wouldn't let him.

My friend said my life was a joke.

No jokes have meaning.

My handicapped friend was getting bullied. I said, "Just stand up for yourself!"

Nah c'mon guys, we don't let jokes like this fly around here.

The dark side of kid songs:

You got a friend in me... you got a friend in me!

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend.

Friend: Wow thanks, I'm rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: You're what?

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me while he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

I can tell you used to be friends with your hairline, cuz it goes way back.

What's the Pixar movie close to being a pornstar? Toy Story... *I got a friend in me*

My friend said he saw a blind man. I said, "Did he LOOK nice?"

Me: How many letters are in the alphabet?

That one friend: 11 - T-H-E-- A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T.

My "friend" has dyslexia.

Friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! I'll be in court.

I tried a lemonade from my friend. It tasted fantatastic!

So, a few hours ago my friend said I need to CUT it out with the s/h jokes... like... it's really not that deep?

My friend saw your forehead and realized you're gay.

My friend said not to look down on me. I said I can't because I'm shorter than her.