“Mom? Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital.”

“Aaron, you’ve been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that.”

So you know how sheets are always so tight at hotels?

Well i looked under the bed and there is a freaking room cleaner holding the sheets. all he says is “don’t ask or you shall die”

Person 1 - How the freak did you get in my house!?!?! I locked the door!!!

Person 2 - But I’m your mom… I have a key. You dumbass

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